


fear death by water

by asiren (meliorismo)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Light Angst, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 13:53:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8581081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meliorismo/pseuds/asiren
Summary: in this universe, they stay.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [illinois_e](https://archiveofourown.org/users/illinois_e/gifts).



> this is for my very beautiful and very sweet pantufinha. who is also my very best friend, whose birthday is today, 17/11. amo muito você, coração. feliz aniversário (again). be happy
> 
> the title (and subtitle) is from t. s. elliot's the waste land. 
> 
> unrevised work.

**fear death by water**

OR _the burial of the dead_

 

Sehun said, the first time they met, very clearly, "I hate you." It was really out of the blue, Jongin couldn't have seen it coming. He was so shocked with that kid that he had never met, ever; he didn't even answer him. What could have been said? Now, when Jongin thinks about it, he usually wants to go back time and look to that blank face and say "Very nice". He could've done it. He could have.

He didn't though, and history followed its course, the way it was supposed to. In reality, what happened was this,

"You're Kim Jongin?" said the red faced boy, looking for all intents and proposes like a man on a mission.

"I am", Jongin answered, questioning.

"I hate you", the boy replied and _then_ —

(jongin looked at that boy, at that sweet-shaped face, who hated him for some reason; he looked at him and _then_ —

life suddenly was so much _bright_ )

Who could have known?

(who could have stopped?)

 

  **XX**

 

Sehun liked to tell stories.

A lot of them, silly or epic or fragmented or all of it. He would start, "Before life was even life it was a big white nothing. And in this big white nothing would live a small garden, who didn't like being disturbed", or, "Once upon a time there was a little, minuscule mouse who did math until the sun was killed, because then there wasn't any light anymore".

Jongin humored him, because Sehun was the most precious thing in the world, and his babbling was the sound of life, happiness and truth. Jongin humored him because how could he not? When Sehun was so perfect and his eyes so bright? He'd never stand a chance against him.

"There was a time when you could see your life in your hands..."

 

**XX**

 

"I'm scared", Jongin said, his body very very still, his voice very very quiet.

"Why?", Sehun asked, his face turned away from Jongin, his back all he could see.

"Because you look so miserable", he answered, honesty coloring his words. "All the time".

"If I were really miserable", he said and his voice was so steely, "don't you think I would’ve leaved you?"

"You would’ve", Jongin answered, "if I were the problem".

"So what are you saying?"

"That I'm scared."

 

**XX**

 

Jongin liked to dance.

Sehun used to watch him, his pirouettes and arabesques almost made on air, and clap very loudly at the end of every sequence. He would say that that was the prettiest thing he ever seen; the loveliest. He would watch and laugh and gasp at the most dramatical moments, and life would be so so _nice_.

 

**XX**

 

"You're Kim Jongin?", the red faced boy asked, his face blank, his eyes very wide.

"I am", the other boy answered him, quietly. Ready to fly, if not to run. Sehun nodded to himself.

"I hate you", he said. "Always will."

And then he walked away.

 

**XX**

 

"Way before the entity Time was invented the human beings used to count his days and blessing using the greenest roots. That was true life; the people would never feel better or worse than each other because all of them shared the same time. And the same roots. They were united deeply in their hearts, and they did not feel the hate or the death."

"But it existed, I'm certain? People have to die."

"Well yes, of course. The death and the hate existed but before the Time it wasn't important."

"Why not?"

"Because people wasn't been taught how to kill or how to die. They just did, and forgot about it."

"You think that was better?"

"Who knows? Now we all die and cry about it. Inevitability lost its weigh.” a pause. “It's almost sad."

 

**XX**

 

Jongin watched the boy walk away. He was using a very pretty and very blue winter coat; the weather was cold for autumn — the news said snow would fall before the weekend.

Jongin watched the boy walk away in silence, for the grand total of one minute.

And then he ran after him.

 

**XX**

 

"If you really love me, I said, if you really love me then leave now and kill yourself immediately." (1)

 

**XX**

 

"What do you think it is?" Jongin asked, face almost pressed against the glass.

"There must be this fish's specie name somewhere", Sehun answered, but that's all. He was very busy staring at the fish.

"Looks like the devil."

"Looks like something god forgot to finish."

"We should stop living in the dark."

"Open some windows. See the light."

"Fucking _Christ_."

 

**XX**

 

Sehun cooked, Jongin washed dishes. It was like a ritual, a routine; Sehun made all house smell like _kimchi_ , Jongin cleaned everything after the meal.

In times like that, when they did everything so orderly, so couple-y, Jongin could almost truly believe that they had a chance at this happiness thing.

 

**XX**

 

"You remember when we met? You were the prettiest thing in all Korea, using that blue coat."

"You were not so impressive with that silly fancy high school uniform."

"Ouch! You're so mean."

(Sehun smiled).

"I'm just messing with you. You were very nice yourself."

"You can't hit and then kiss."

"You're such a liar...."

 

**XX**

 

"I love you." Jongin said to the cellar. The room was dark and Sehun was asleep. "I love you", he repeated, almost like he believed that saying this enough times would make it easier saying to Sehun. "I love you, so much." sighs. "Did you ever love me back, though?"

 

**XX**

 

"Life used to be better before we made it so sad."

 

**XX**

 

"There where really some days when we were happier than now? Because I can't remember these times."

 

**XX**

 

He couldn't leave Sehun, not more than Sehun could leave him.

They couldn't make themselves walk away when the love was still fresh, when the good things were all still blooming. They couldn't make themselves walk away when all the fresh start to rot and die.

They couldn't make themselves walk away even when everything that was left was sadness and ash.

 

**XX**

 

"You remember when you used to watch me dance..."

 

**XX**

 

"I wouldn't ever leave you."

"I know that, Sehun."

"So why do you look at me so miserable all the time?"

"Because—“ sighs. “We're doomed to die together, tangled here in this house. All these rooms, every one of them, they're our mausoleum."

 

**XX**

 

there are some reality in the universe where jongin looked away from sehun's blue coat and pretty figure and moved on with his existence without this man the love of his life where he danced and danced and life was better right without love that's sure but with so much _hope_

**Author's Note:**

> (1) this is the sober end of apenas mais um saxofone, a short story made by lygia fagundes telles. the original is "Se você me ama mesmo, eu disse, se você me ama mesmo então saia e se mate imediatamente." long live the queen of brazilian literature


End file.
